Funny Story Moving to Buffalo From Florida

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Allow's outset with the obvious. Florida is hot.

1. Florida is then hot that when old people retire and move to Florida it'due south considering they desire to beginning practicing for Hell.

2. Florida is and so hot that when you die and go to Hell, you wake upwardly in Boca Raton.

iii. Florida is and so hot that people crowd effectually burn down to absurd downwards.

4. The only difference between Florida and an oven is that an oven doesn't produce serial killers.

And let's set up the tape direct. Florida isn't sunny.

5. They call Florida the "Sunshine State," which is funny because in the twelve years I lived here, it was only sunny for like twenty minutes – when the eye of the hurricane passed over my house.

six. Florida is the just state in the matrimony where zombie-similar face eating is a legitimate business organization, and where a category-four hurricane is considered a mild weather condition condition.

Whoever said Jupiter is uninhabitable because of its heat, toxic air, and hurricanes, has clearly never lived in Florida.

7. Whenever I hear a scientist say Jupiter is uninhabitable I always merely assume they're talking about the city in Florida.

eight. Nightmares in other states are just visions of what's actually going on in Florida.

9. I don't know if you lot've always seen the horror film "War of the Worlds," but it's actually just a documentary about a normal week in the state of Florida.

Speaking of disasters:

ten. Demi Lovato is from Florida. Actually – I don't know if that's true or not but she'southward awful and so she must exist.

I'll tell you what isn't from Florida: Jacuzzis.

11. You won't find a Jacuzzi in Florida, because if a Floridian wanted to suffocate themselves in hot steam they would just walk exterior.

It'southward redundant here; similar saying the words "hot air balloon."

12. Every balloon in Florida is going to be a hot air balloon. Why are you wasting your time with those extra words? One time I saw a kid accident up a balloon at his eighth birthday party – he was launched into infinite and none of u.s.a. always saw him again. Information technology was terrible. I send his parents a fruit basket every year.

Saying "hot air airship" in Florida is equally redundant equally saying you know a Floridian with a roach problem. Of course you know a Floridian with a roach trouble. This entire state is a roach problem.

thirteen. Floridians like to say there aren't roaches in Florida – in that location'due south but "palmetto bugs." If you don't know what the difference between a roach and a palmetto issues is – a palmetto problems is a roach with wings that's large enough to carry away screaming children from their mothers' arms.

14. 1 time I thought I saw carry in Miami only it was just a palmetto problems fist fighting a grown man on 2 legs.

By the way, what's that aroma?

fifteen. This state smells exactly the same way information technology looks — similar a penis.

xvi. The only reason Florida even exists is because the patriarchy wanted a country that looked like their favorite toy – but when they couldn't construct a landmass that looked similar fresh pair of New Rest sneakers – they settled for a penis.

I'm patently only kidding. There are some swell aspects most Florida. I can't think about what they are right now, but there's got to be at least a few.

Oh, I know!

17. If it weren't for Florida, what would I practice with all my Ed Hardy clothes? Where else but Miami can I habiliment a bedazzled, tiger head muscle-shirt and have people just assume I enjoy lesser-shelf liquor and house music?

18. And if Florida disappeared tomorrow, how would Governor Rick Scott get back to his dwelling planet? Hot air balloon?

I'm writing this on my way to my college graduation, reminiscing on all the great moments I've had here – like watching a man stare at me while he put out a cigarette on the side of his neck, having two individual hawks assault me on my morning time run, and walking face-outset into a meg clouds of gnats.

19. I near feel bad almost leaving Florida. Without my hair and eyeballs to take hold of them by the millions, the gnat population is certain to quadruple in size.

I tin can't be too upset, though. Living somewhere else will be a breath of fresh air.

20. No, really. I've been property my jiff for someone in Florida to use their turn signal and I oasis't breathed since 1993.

21. I don't know what goes on at the DMV in Florida but I'm pretty sure they only tell yous not to drive into canals and they snap your moving picture – a hideous picture, which Floridians usually have to show the constabulary officeholder afterwards they bulldoze into their first canal.

I accept a friend that flipped her machine into the Everglades in the middle of the night and had to climb a tree and then she could spring to the other side of the barbed-wire fence and flag down an oncoming truck for help. Notice I didn't list this ane because it's not a joke.

Before you ask: no, she wasn't eaten past an alligator. Alligators are harmless.

22. The only gator you need to worry about is the one that wears bright orange and jeans shorts. Those are the ambitious ones you can't escape from. Don't believe me? Just ask them why their sports teams suck…

All right, Florida.

23. It's time for me to make like presidential election ballots and disappear.

24. It's been fun.

25. I'm going to miss it here.

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Source: https://thoughtcatalog.com/seth-a-lyon/2017/04/25-jokes-about-florida/

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